ABCs of Spencer Hastings
by PLLHalebSpoby
Summary: The ABCs mean something completely different to Spencer Hastings. Each letter holds meanings that few people in the would under understand. She supposed being unique was good, but certainly not like this. Not at the cost of her sanity, of her life as she once knew it.
1. Chapter 1

**ABCS of Spencer Hastings**

_A_

The mysterious and _dangerous _person (or _persons_) that has been torturing me, my friends and everyone and anyone that they think deserves to be beaten down, left broken and bleeding. It started out innocent, a few cryptic text messages, some fanatical scavenger hunts, but A has taken everything from me, my freedom, peace of mind and my sanity.

A _sees _and _knows _everything; almost like a human magnifying glass, peeking in, drawing back the curtains, ready to turn our lives upside down, make us toss and turn in our beds with no end in sight.

_Alison_

Alison, she could make you feel like the most treasured person on earth, could make you feel like you were part of something special. She was dynamic, she was powerful, she could be all things good, but, especially in recent years, I've learned that she could be all things evil. She could manipulate, she could control, she could hurt and chip away at someone until there was nothing left but an empty, hollow shell of a person.

She created monsters, victims of her torment that felt they had no choice but to retaliate for all the hurt she had caused them. She had brought us together years ago at some church social party in Rosewood, but she had also cloned us, made us into her posse, her loyal "it girls."

Alison DeLaurentis could be and _was _your best friend, but also and most especially, your worst enemy.

_Academics_

"Work hard now, play later." Those five words were etched into my mind at the tender age of seven when I wanted to go outside on a school night and play with my friend from across the street. Little did I know that lapse in judgment would earn me a lecture from both my parents about the importance of winning, of achieving something, of working hard now and playing later.

"Be the best you can be!" My father had told me once after I had brought home a certificate from my fifth grade teacher proclaiming that I was 'the most promising student' in her class. Of course, he had snatched the award from me and nailed it up in his office wall as if _he _had won the award, not me. "Academics will get you far in life while tardiness will only grant you disappointment and failure."


	2. Chapter 2

_Bold_

Any dictionary will tell you that "bold" means to be fearless, adventurous and have confidence in yourself, but in recent years, through recent events, being bold to me, means to stand strong through the worst possible pain, when the world and its occupants are causing you so much hurt that all you want to do is crawl up in a tight space and just have it go away.

Bold for me, means to be one step ahead always, never letting my facade slip, never letting it show how scared I can be, never show how I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case they plan a sudden, final and deadly attack on me.

But the boldness in me, the thing that sometimes makes me question my judgment, sometimes makes others around me look at me like I've gone crazy, is also the same thing that enables me to protect my friends, my family and anyone else that I care about that A has targeted for their sick games.

_Blame_

Wouldn't it be _so _easy to blame the enemy for everything that has gone down in our lives since Ali went missing and A started turning the wheel, controlling our lives like a marionette puppet. It would be easy to blame A's operation for the police attention that was now irrevocably on us, and it would be even easier to blame A for the lies we've been forced to tell everyone we hold most dear, and for the endless deaths that plague us.

But what if the blame is really on _us_? If we didn't have so many secrets, so many that, out necessity, we haven't told, then maybe A wouldn't have a reason to go after us anymore. Ali always told us that our secrets would bind us, keep us close together, but really, it's had the opposite effect. They're torn us apart, strip by strip.

_Bitch_

It's a term that's vulgar and degrading, a phrase that my parents always frowned upon me using. Sometimes I slipped up. Once, twice, okay a _thousand _times. Ali used it to describe the people who dared turn down a gold-embossed invitation to join her group of loyal followers. She used it to loosely that soon I wasn't even thinking about it anymore when I uttered that one dirty word.

Of course, sometimes the tables were turned on her when people used that phrase on _her_. She always turned her head, always pretended that she didn't hear whoever cursed at her, but I could always see the wheels turning in her head as she plotted her revenge against the sinner.


	3. Chapter 3

_Catastrophe _

A has invented many catastrophes in our lives. Each one more dangerous than the last. The screeching of tires and Hanna's scream as Mona ran her over that fateful night of her party, Ian's scream as his body was pushed like it weighed nothing off the bell tower, Alison's remains being stolen. The shock factor has gone down, each attack means little now that I know they're coming in one way or another.

Catastrophe to many, means a bad hair day, or chipped nails or a bad score on an SAT, but my struggles and my friend's struggles with A, has made me realize that "catastrophe" takes on a new meaning when you're dealing with a stalker bound and determined to hurt you.

_College_

My one singular goal since I was six. My dream college? The University of Pennsylvania, the same college my mother, father and grandparents before me attended. Each grade, each academic award, each test score was sweetened with the thought of achieving the goal, the one goal that I had _really _worked for.

_Candid_

Alison was such a mystery to all of us. We always told her our secrets, while her life remained firmly under lock and key. She made us feel special, made us feel like we could be candid with her, share our secrets that we swore we would never tell anyone.

"I met someone. This summer," Ali had told me. It was the first time she had ever shared anything remotely personal with any of us. I remember leaning foreword excitedly, thinking of how cool it was that she was sharing something with me.

"Really? Who is it?"

She smiled coyly, flipping her beautiful blond hair behind her shoulder. "Sorry, Spence. Can't reveal the dirty details. All in good time," she added, seeing my outraged expression.

"You told me-"

"I _told _you I was _seeing _someone. If he's a keeper, you'll know about him."

"Fine."

All my earlier excitement was gone, but I still felt the thrill at having learned a secret from the mysterious Alison DiLaurentis.

A candid secret.


	4. Chapter 4

_Death_

The term "brush with death" sounds crazy cliché and it is. People say that so often now that the term doesn't earn the same shock value it once did. I had my first "brush with death" when I was seven and my family and I were renting a cabin out in Denver while my father conducted some life or death meeting with some coworkers of his. Melissa and I had gone sledding out on the slopes. We were perched on the very top of one, six-year-old me looking down at the sheer drop nervously as I glanced at my older sister who to me, was the definition of "cool". That opinion would soon radically change.

"Messa," I spoke in my six-year-old rasp. "I don't like this. It's too high."

She steadied her pink boot on the edge of the sled, throwing her head back in a laugh. "Don't be scared, Spence. You're _perfectly _safe." I could feel the frigid air blast around my face, peppering my exposed skin with snow flakes. "Just close your eyes and-"

I barely had time to react or even to tell her to stop, because at that moment, she had pushed the sled foreword with her boot, propelling it down the mountain. I could feel the sled vibrate beneath me, coasting from side to side as the speed of the decline was too much for it to handle.

The sled finally tipped over on its side, dunking me off it and trapping me beneath it as it continued its slow decline down the mountain, now that it had finally gotten rid of its burden. I barely remember the sled stopping at the bottom of the hill, all I do remember is shoving the thing off of me and my parents' panicked voices, demanding to know what had happened.

"Messa pushed me," I remember crying, wiping my Rudolph-red nose on my sleeve as I looked up at my parents with tear-stained cheeks. "I told her no." My mother wrapped her arms around me, making shushing noises that were meant to soothe me as my father marched his way over to Melissa, who stood frozen a few feet from us.

I barely remember anything else about that day, other than my father's raised voice carrying over to where I stood, huddled with my mother, reminding Melissa over and over that she was supposed to be watching me, not trying to hurt me and cause my imminent death.

I had no idea that near death and death in general, would be such a huge part of my life years later. From A's attempts to send us messages in their cryptic, sometimes deadly way. We've lost people due to A's mind games and attacks. Death was something that people associated with once, maybe twice in their lives, but my friends and I have gone through it more times than we can even count.

_Decathlon _

The Academic Decathlon. The decathlon is something of a tradition in my family. Melissa won her first when she was my age, paired up against one of the toughest competitors from another school in Philly. The Decathlon has always been a "group effort" as Rosewood High called it, something that they encouraged all students to collaborate together on.

I had missed nearly all my practice sessions with the team, led of course, by Mona Vanderwaal, who apparently thought it was her personal mission to make my life a living hell. I didn't think anything could possibly get any worse. Losing Toby, keeping his secret from my friends. But I was wrong.

"I practiced! On my own," I said indignantly, the day Andrew Campbell cornered me after school, informing me in that sickly calm voice of his that I was, in effect, off the team for not showing up to the team practice sessions. I knew that I had been taking a risk in studying the material on my own, but I honestly hadn't expected to be kicked off the team that I had worked so hard to be on.

"This is a team, Spencer," he replied, his voice thick with implications and judgment. "And you weren't thinking about the team when you didn't show up for practice." Ouch. It stung, more than anything, but it also angered me because I knew _who _it was coming from.

"Who did you hear this from? Mona?"

His silence was deafening, confirmation of a fact that I already knew. No one seemed to care that she had been team captain for all of five minutes, but somehow she had managed to strong-arm me out of the decathlon.

It was just another nail that was continually being hammered into my being.


	5. Chapter 5

_Emotion_

It's something that humans and animals alike are equipped with. It can be a blessing to have emotion in your life, to experience the highest of highs when you meet that one special person in your life, or when you score big on a test or win someone's approval. But as with all things, emotion also comes with a high price when the switch turns from heaven to hell and the light you were basking in, suddenly turns the corner to darkness.

Emotion was something that I grew to despise. At times, I wanted nothing more than to turn it off and live without it. It would be easier than living in a continual state of confusion, of longing, of hurt and of pain. Those around me continued to see me as Spencer Hastings, the girl who could conquer all, who could score big on that PSAT and serve tennis balls with that winning smile on her face.

It didn't work that way. People saw what they wanted to see, but I was the one who had to live with the vortex of emotion swirling inside of me, refusing to release me from its clutches, refusing to let me breathe for once.

There's a saying that the walls we build around ourselves to keep out the sadness also keeps out the joy, but with A and with his/her team of people working day and night against us, it seemed that all I had to dwell on in my life was how screwed up it was and how, really, there was no joy or happiness. There was once, but that was gone too. Just like everything else.

In the course of my short life, eighteen years to be exact, I've felt three major emotions that constantly changed, adjusting to the time and the place: Happiness. For any stupid thing that I did that impressed my parents and that got their approval, even if it was only for a short second; or when I got invited to play with an up and coming tennis player for one of my dad's meets.

Sadness. The first time I could remember ever feeling really _sad _was when my parents took Melissa's side on a fight we had that was started by her and ended when I pushed her down the stairs. It was typical, them siding with her without even listening to my version of things. Sadness when Alison disappeared from my barn, and we had to live a grisly, confusing year without knowing her fate.

Love. The common quote is that you only fall in love once and the rest is only practice to prepare for the real, honest to goodness thing. I tend to believe that because all of the other loves I had in my life, all the boys that my parents pushed at me, couldn't hold a candle to true love, to the love that I had found, that had found me. I didn't know what true love was all about, thought that it was some cheesy crap that romance-deprived people thought up, but I knew it wasn't all fable when I met _him _and he took hold of my heart like no one else had managed before.

_Echo _

According to most dictionaries (and I would know, since my parents force-fed the dictionary to me every night after I turned ten), an echo can be many things, can mean many different things to different people. It can be a repeating facet, something that is eerily reminiscent of another sensation.

Echoes have a significant meaning in my life—strings of different things that eventually withered and broke away. The echo of Alison, the mark she left on all our lives and how her death haunted us and still continues to do so. Her echo was something that was established when she was still in our lives, still running her circus show one manipulation at a time.

The echo of one of the greatest loves of my life, and how it shaped and molded me from that fateful time at the motel to the present day. I feel him still, I feel him in everything I do, every move I make. His echo is something tangible, something so completely real and physical to me that times, when I least expect, it creeps up on me, rendering me breathless.

He was my safe place to land, my rock and my true soul mate. The echo of our love hasn't faded from my mind in the least. His smile when he would see me, his strong but gentle hands caressing me ever so gently. The echo he left behind is something that is both sweet but bitter at how it ended, at how our love that was built up so beautifully, was now a smoldering pile of ash.

The echo of who I once was before A invaded it, is a constant reminder to me of how if I had chosen a different path that didn't include Ali, maybe I wouldn't now be living in a horror movie day in and day out, wondering when and where the next hit will come from. I have experienced the cruelest parts of the world and the most beautiful, but my life has been suspended in a constant state of fear and pain.

_Equation_

Equations used to be a guide to solving complicated math problems, memorizing the formula required to solve it. Equations never used to hold a double meaning, always one, always one that I could understand and grasp because it was firmly rooted in fact and that was something I could make sense of.

But when you add a variable into the equation, A in this case, the equation that used to make so much sense before, is now like all the other facets: Complicated and jumbled.


	6. Chapter 6

_Fire. _

When I was a kid, my Mom would constantly remind me to never, _ever _touch the hot stove or even come near it when she was cooking one of her many home-cooked meals. Fire was something that was to be both feared and respected; the feel of the flames as they licked threateningly at me from the fireplace as we sat and watched it was both scary and fun that something that immense could be contained like that.

Over the years, fire simply didn't scare me as much. For one, my mom stopped enforcing her rule that I stay away from the stove when she was cooking, and I lost most if not all of my fear for it, knowing that nothing bad could ever happen as long as I was careful and used the brain that had been genetically planted into my head.

After years of being indifferent to the dangers of fire and the consequences of it, I was once again thrust back into that scary world where I was reminded that, yes, it does destroy. It destroys everything given the chance. Even someone's vision. Jenna Marshall. The new girl in town who moved to Rosewood after her mom married Toby Cavanaugh's father.

Alison had told us that she had all sorts of dirt on Jenna, and that Toby was a freak who needed to be stopped. I didn't know either of them, just passing glances and occasional run-ins at school. Neither of them talked, neither of them said much, but Ali had had us all convinced that Toby had been peeping in our windows, watching us get undressed.

"Are you sure it was Toby?" I said, trying to be the voice of reason in what I was quickly recognizing to be a very stupid and very dangerous prank. "We should just go back."

"Yes!" Alison hissed, looking at me like she wanted nothing more than to punch me for interrupting her brilliant plan. "And it's a stink bomb, we're not nuking the place!" The dangerousness of it all still unnerved me as the girls and I huddled together, watching Ali creep toward the garage where she would throw the bomb.

There was maybe half a second between the time Ali threw the firecracker and when she turned back toward us, her eyes wide with genuine fear. "Run!" She cried, sprinting back toward us as we all turned tail and highjacked it out of Toby's yard. We hadn't made it far, though, before the force of the explosion shook the ground we ran on.

"Ali, what did you do!" I cried, glancing back at the inferno that was the Cavanaugh garage because of something that _we _had done. The worst part of it? Was the cry of pain we heard from Jenna Marshall and the parade of patrol cars and ambulances that converged on the scene.

_Forgiveness _

Forgiveness comes easy to some people. You just forgive the person that cheated you out on a big job offering, or stole your favorite part in the school play. No harm, no foul, like the saying goes. But true forgiveness? That was something that I hadn't immediately grasped onto until I was in the face of it, unexpectedly.

Toby and I had been sitting atop his truck, watching the Fourth of July fireworks. It was the only place we could go without having to risk running into my parents or Jenna. "I'm sorry," I said, running a hand across my eyes. The fireworks brought back the memory that all of us had tried to suppress for nearly two years, of Jenna being blinded by Ali's callousness and of our ignorance for not stopping her.

"For what?" I could hear the surprise and confusion in his voice as he shifted his body around so that he could catch a clear glimpse of my tear-stained face. "Spence, what is it?" His hand lightly brushed across my face, removing the salt water that seemed intent on barging their way into my mouth.

"For Jenna. For _you_," I cried. "What we did was horrible. I'm so sorry." We had never apologized, had never taken responsibility for something that was _our _fault and our mistake had sent an innocent person to juvenile hall for a year.

"Spencer, I forgave you the minute I met you, the minute I got to know how different you were and _are _from Alison."

I gaped at him. I couldn't understand why he would forgive me for something that had, in effect, ruined his life; ruined his relationship with his family and had blinded his sister. It was incomprehensible to me that he could be so understanding.

"Thank you."

Forgiveness was the last thing I expected to get from him. It wasn't just that we watched like frozen idiots while Ali threw the firecracker, it was the fact that we were too cowardly to take the blame for it and literally watched as another person got carted off to jail for our mistake.

_Festival _

The annual Founders' Day Festival was a time-honored tradition in the town of Rosewood. It was a chance for everyone to forget how stuck up they were and let their hair down and have fun. I'd always enjoyed coming, especially when I got to juggle working duties at the festival with the girls. We'd been coming together since we were twelve, and each year just got more and more fun, more and more mysterious as we were allowed to do more and go more places.

The festival last year was something that I'd much rather forget than dwell on. It was the first festival we'd gone to since Ali, and it was also the festival where A had appeared, trapping me inside the horror maze that some genius had thought up. Ian, my sister's psychotic husband had played the part of savior, rescuing me.

The festival was also the first time that I had defied my parent's wishes and had run—literally-into Toby's arms, sending them a message as clear as day that they didn't get to tell me who to date, or who to love. It was the first time that I had felt comfortable doing that and it was also the first time that I simply did not care what anyone else thought of me.

_Fashion _

The fashion show. A Rosewood staple and one of Ali's favorite events of the year. It was every little girl's dream to be in a real fashion show and we got to have the honor every year. Alison's mother was on the board and always made sure that we got first pick of the dresses and music selection when it came our turn to walk.

Walking in the fashion show in Ali's memory was bittersweet for all of us. It reminded us of who should have been there to cheer us on; wearing her dresses had, at first, felt like a terrible idea, but when I had slipped that dress on, I felt confident and secure, everything that Alison DeLaurentis was.


	7. Chapter 7

_Hope_

Hope is a finicky emotion. One that always managed to worm its way into my life, then left me sorely disappointed. Hope, to me, was surviving in the strict world my parent's created for my sister and myself, hope was winning my parents approval over Melissa's. It never happened. Even when I was supposed to get something, when something was supposed to be _mine_, like the barn guesthouse, it went to Melissa.

"Hope breeds eternal misery." I had spoken those words to her out of spite and those words, though grim, had proved to be startlingly true. I had hoped that we would eventually figure out the A mystery and go on with our lives, but each time that we grew close to solving the mystery, A pulled back the reigns just a little, reminding us of who really was in charge.

_Halloween_

The annual, horrific holiday that thrilled kids, gave them a reason to dress as their favorite movie superhero or princess, and it gave parents, especially the ones who banned sugar and acted all high and mighty, the chance to let loose and let their kids teeth rot for one night.

Halloween was always my favorite holiday—I got to pretend to be someone I wasn't, embody someone who was stronger than I was. Mary Queen of Scotts was the first costume I had actually created myself. It took almost the entire summer but I had managed to create a perfect replica of her execution dress. It was the last Halloween that we got to spend with Alison before she died.

_Hollis_

Hollis college, the local Rosewood community college that was my backup choice in case, by some unfortunate twist of fate, I got rejected from UPENN. Hollis was where my parents ended up getting their law degrees and where my great-aunt, Edith got a degree in fashion merchandising.


	8. Chapter 8

_Illusion _

It's a false idea or belief about somebody, something that your mind tricks you into believing even when all the physical evidence says otherwise. Every part of my being wanted to believe that I wasn''t wrong about Toby and I, that our relationship wasn't fake and that he really did love me. The evidence showed otherwise and it was when the steam shower got busted and I got locked inside, did I really allow my mind to travel to the dark place that maybe he _did _hate me, hated me enough to try to kill me, even.

I tried to have hope. I tried to believe Emily when she told me that our love wasn't an illusion, that it was as real for him as it was for me, but recent events made seeing that bright other side nearly impossible. I was stupid to believe that love could find me without having serious consequences, especially with A working overtime to make my life as miserable as humanely possible.

_Idyllic _

That's the word that my friends, family, even casual friends of mine used to describe my relationship with Toby and the love we had for each other. They said our relationship was idyllic and pure, something that couldn't ever be broken apart. I should have known that their words was the beginning of the end, that A had been listening in and had chosen that time to begin their master expose of Toby.

_Intelligence _

Something that was genetically placed into my DNA before I even drew my first breath. Intelligence and Hastings go together like soap and water, like bread and butter. Intelligence was simply something that my parents made _sure _that Melissa and I got plenty of during our growing up years, when the brain is still developing and maturing into the brain it would mold itself into when I reached adulthood.


	9. Chapter 9

_Jealousy_

It's one of those human emotions that, like anger, can control your life, make you insecure (sometimes for good reason) and can make you a shadow of your former self. Jealousy was never a problem with me. I had complete and utter faith in whomever I was with, always trusted blindly when it came to love, or my idea of it. Alison was the only one who ever got completely jealous when it came to boys and their affections.

"Hey, what's wrong?" I asked once when Ali and I were sitting at the Brew. She was cradling her mocha frappachino in her hands, a distant, faraway expression on her face as she studied a group of guys sitting over by the window, laughing obnoxiously about one of their beer pong parties.

"Do you ever think guys just spritz that cheap cologne on and act all buff and gorgeous so we'll be able to look beyond the glow of their halo?"

"Um...why are you asking?"

She shrugged one shoulder, sipping her drink thoughtfully. "I don't know. Forget it," she said abruptly, changing the subject, but not before I caught her glancing at one of the guys at the other table. She looked sad, which was something that Alison almost _never _was.


	10. Chapter 10

_Klutz_

No one likes to be called a 'klutz.' Especially not when you've had perfect posture and a perfect pose your entire life. But the inevitable is bound to happen when your parents force you to wear high-heels to every social gathering they force you to go on. It happened when I was getting up to do something, use the restroom or call one of the girls, the waiter had just appeared with our food when I tripped over his foot, causing him, myself and our plate of food to go tumbling to the ground. It was quite comical in the moment, because it all appeared to happen in slow motion, but the aftermath was even less funny when my parents, while not exactly _angry _with me, were still perturbed that it had happened at all.

Years later and in completely different and more intimate atmosphere, the klutz demon reared its ugly head again. I wish it would have remained in hibernation but that would have made too much sense of course. Toby and I had started the evening playing WII and finishing it off with an epic round of Scrabble. I had gotten up to go get us some snacks when my hand slipped and came crashing down on our poor Scrabble board. Needless to say, Toby had the exact opposite reaction my parents did, and threw his head back laughing it off.


	11. Chapter 11

_Love_

The greatest and most powerful human emotion on the face of the planet. The one emotion that can cover almost any wrongdoing like a bandage. Its effects on humans and animals alike has been studied and debated for hundreds of years. The word meant little to me when I was in grade school—mostly it meant that a boy I liked was cute, or that was the word Mommy and Daddy used when they told each other they loved the other. It was a silly word that meant little to me since I had no idea what the value of it meant, how binding and irreversible it was.

My parents threw all kinds of boys at me from the club. Most of them complete catches to the normal, untrained eye: Rich, spoiled and bathing in money from their trust funds. Ay girl's dream, really. I _liked _them, even went out on a date or two with them, but they didn't throw me, they didn't make me weak-kneed, didn't make me want to give up everything to be with them.

Aria told me that I was _in like _with them, not _in love_. It was a good analogy and it was mostly true. At first, I was skeptical with the saying that true, unbridled love only comes around once in your life. I thought the author of that popular saying was giving in to the millions of lovesick girls in the world, was feeding them their daily dose of romantic mush.

That was before that fateful day (and night) in the motel room with Toby. He had been the scum of the earth, as far as I was concerned, a creep who peeped in our windows and had a disgusting relationship with his step-sister. How very, very wrong I was. When he beat me at Scrabble, and when I watched him sleep, I felt things that I hadn't ever felt in my life. I felt the kind of romance and love that only movies had instructed me on.

I was _in love _with Toby Cavanaugh and the feeling had taken me completely by surprise, which to an organized mind like mine, was a complete shock in every which way. They love we have for each other isn't something that can even be explained logically because our love _is _illogical. The lengths we will go to to protect the other know no bounds, the fights and struggles we have, only deepening an unbreakable bond and mutual love and respect for the other.

Even through the heartbreaking two months I spent without him, when I thought the very worst of him and thought our love had all been a carefully constructed lie, I never lost my love for him.


	12. Chapter 12

_Motivation_

People always have motives. They're the common driving force in our lives when we're forced to make a difficult decision or choose a course of action that will alter our lives. When I first joined the debate team in ninth grade, my motivation for doing that was to please my parents, make them proud that they had another daughter they could be proud of.

Sometimes, your motivation for doing something can surprise even yourself with how you're willing to go to protect the ones that you love. When Mona offered me a prized spot on the team that night on the mountain, I had steadfastly refused her offer out of disgust, revulsion and downright hatred for her and what she and her posse had been doing to us.

"Toby's alive." Those words, those fateful, chilling words brought me out of the state I had long since succumbed to as I struggled to put her words together in my traumatized brain. Those were words I had longed to hear but had resigned myself to the fact that it would only be an unreachable dream.

The motivation to find out Toby's part in this, to find out if he really _was _alive, and to put a stop to a two-year long saga, motivated me to do the unthinkable and take Mona up on her offer.

_Memories_

Memories. They're a complicated emotion. Memories can be so good; can be so pure and true and bright. But they can also lead you through the cruelest and deepest parts of hell where each memory, each full color flash back is like your own personal hell being replayed over and over again in agonizing detail.

The memory of Toby and all that he left behind with him that fateful night in the kitchen, was played over and over for me in high definition; made even more painful wasn't the memory of seeing him in his A team attire, but the fact of what we had once, the beautiful things we did for each other, the rocking chair that he made me himself with his own two hands.

"_I love you." _

"_I wanted to say that first."_

It was the time I pawned my sister's engagement ring and bought Toby his truck so that he could finally find some work, even though it would end up taking him away to Bucks County, away from me.

The memories of someone you love, can be the most painful, the most gut-wrenching ones to deal with. Before I found out the truth, the mere mention of a memory involving him would inevitably shatter me, break me down to the point of no return. It was a dark place that I traveled for months until our meeting in that diner. When I found out that, for once, the A team had lost, that Toby wasn't out to hurt me.

The memories after that, seemed sweeter. More beautiful and more true and pure.

_Motel_

Growing up, motels were _not _in my vocabulary. If my family and I stayed anywhere, it was sure to be a four or five star hotel that my Dad's company put us up in. But motels and the simplicity of them, took on a whole new meaning when Toby and I stayed in one together. It was a trip to spy on his sister, nothing else, as I firmly told myself, even though my head was already beating me up over my thick skin. The room had been small, with only one bed in the center of it; definitely not ideal sleeping quarters. The time had been slow as we waited for Jenna to make a sound that we could hear through the thin walls.

We had played Scrabble. I had always won Scrabble as a kid when I played against Melissa or one of my parents, but Toby had shown me that it was time to crown a new reigning champ. The motel was full of many firsts for us—it was the first time I fell in love with him, it was the first time I saw him shirtless, thanks to the poor protection the motel offered when one of it's occupants wanted privacy.

And it was the first time we kissed. Like many first kisses, it was a complete surprise not just to me, but to him also. The kiss was sweet, warm and soft. Not at all like my previous boyfriends who thought that speed was a necessity when kissing me.

"I wasn't expecting that..."

In truth, my words had held a double meaning behind them. I had _not _expected the kiss _at all_, but I also hadn't expected to find myself lost for words on what the kiss meant and how my feelings had suddenly changed for this boy; changed from hatred to pity to affection to love?


	13. Chapter 13

_Negativity _

Negativity is everywhere in the world, everywhere you look. Negativity can come in the most mundane and innocuous of ways—from a picture, to a text, to family members or friends. What A has done, the reign of negativity he/she/it has implanted in our lives, is a constant strain of negativity. Each new prank and lie more horrific than the next.

Growing up, negativity would be in the form of my parents choosing Melissa's side over mine, even when they probably knew that I was right and she was wrong. It happened so many times that when I was seven, I finally ran away to the movies and watched _Beauty and The Beast_. It had a happy ending with nice music and a princess who married her prince.

_Numb_

Numbness can be a physical sensation your body experiences for any number of reasons—when its cold, or when the pinch of a needle numbs it. But more often than not, numbness can be a sensation that only exists in your mind when something so painful and irrevocable makes you want to escape from it. I thought that after two years of experiencing A's web of lies and torment, I would have grown a thicker skin, become immune to the effects it had on me. I was wrong.

When I found Toby in my kitchen, dressed in A attire, with lightening bolts flying all around us, my disbelief and completer and utter grief had rapidly turned into numbness; ice cold numbness to protect myself from anymore pain, from facing the horrific fact that I might not have known Toby as well as I thought I did.


	14. Chapter 14

_Opposed _

Opposition has happened since the beginning of time; since before anything we've ever known. It's a continual cycle, too and it happens to all walks of life. Animals battle each other out for fresh meat, and humans continue to battle each other in a never ending war. I've faced opposition most of my life from my parents, from school officials who judged me based on my sister's standard, and I've faced opposition from A, from Red Coat. Those two factions who continue to threaten me, break me and trick me.

_Optimistic _

Optimistic people are said to have a good attitude, they tend to be hopeful and see the glass as half-full instead of half-empty. It's hard to be optimistic when everything and _everyone _is against you. It's been that way for so long, that now it's almost like second nature dealing with it. I try to be optimistic about things I _know _I have control over, like the Spanish test that as coming up, the French exam that I was cramming for all night the previous night. Those are things that I feel like I can be optimistic about because I feel in control about it, I feel like I can change the outcome if I work hard enough.

_Opposites_

Things that are different. People who are different. Usually, we all have a genetic makeup that makes us different from anyone else, makes us our own, unique person. It happens everywhere—even in identical twins, there is usually some factor to their appearance or personality that separates them, marks them to their parents as being two different individuals, opposites. Melissa and I are six years apart in terms of age difference, but it might as well be a century apart. We are the definition of 'opposites' in every possible way.

She was born first, thus raised with the mind mentality my parents instilled in her from the time she could talk, and then introduced to everyone at the Club with the pink-fairy dress, and then sent off to a therapist, renowned in child behavioral patterns, when she was shown to have a rebellious side. Me? Whenever I would show even a _hint _of rebellious behavior, it was almost like getting voted off the island, where I would be shuttled off to my room and given a stern lecture by one or both of my parents, telling me that my behavior wasn't becoming of a young woman, especially one who had powerhouse attorney's for parents.

The first real inkling I had that my parents actively favored Melissa over me, and that my presence just wasn't as important to them anymore, was when I was seven and Melissa and I got into one of our many arguments (those were quickly becoming a regular event in our home), and my parents, of course, sided with Melissa and told me to remember I had a field hockey practice to get to.

Not anymore, I didn't.

With the limited money I had—twenty bucks—I made myself a sandwich and walked out the door. They never even noticed I had gone. I went to see a movie, an animated one about a princess, and when I came back, it was like I had never left.


	15. Chapter 15

_Perfection. _

It's an unattainable, impossible aspiration to have. An unrealistic goal that will only serve to disappoint when it comes down to it. In the house of Hastings, perfection is not only required, it's a prerequisite if you want to survive in a family like mine, where each hair is counted, perfumed and up by breakfast, and tennis games are perfectly timed _and _perfectly scripted.

Melissa had no problems fitting my parents idea for us, had no qualms about cheating and lying to keep up the facade that had been bred into her from the time she could talk. She was their shining star in every way, in every winning smile she flashed their way. What my parents _didn't _know was the stuff she did behind their backs, whenever they were out of town and we were left to our own devices.

I remember the night she came home drunk from a party, barely concealed shame in her eyes as she stumbled her way up the stairs, with me holding her frozen frame up (barely), as I dumped her on her bed, drawing her silk covers over her as she turned over on her side, away from my line of sight.

"I had...fun," she murmured softly, before I closed her door. "I've never gone to a party _just _to have fun."

"Go to sleep, Melissa," I replied softly before closing the door with a quiet snap. Outside, I leaned against the wall, running a hand over my face in quiet wonder at what Melissa had done. Perfect Melissa, the Melissa who had perfect grades and perfect boyfriends, had actually gone to a party for the fun of it and had gotten completely wasted.

Needless to say, I never mentioned Melissa's infraction to our parents and to my knowledge, they never found out about it, either. When the tables were turned, though, and it was my turn to arrive home after one too many drinks after hanging out at Alison's, Melissa was nowhere to be seen, and left me to deal with a yelling father and deal with a raging hangover at the same time.

"You have to represent the family name! You do not have room to make mistakes!" That mantra was drilled into my head over and over again whenever I had the audacity to act like a typical teenager and not like a Hastings, who always performed the act expected of them without flaw.

_Persistence_

Persistence means many things to many different people. Being persistent has always meant to try beyond your best ability to ace that finals quiz, or beat out the national champ for the Spelling Bee or win the cheer leading tryouts for the captain position. Now, years later and several nightmares later, being persistent means something else entirely to me: It means never giving up, never giving up on exposing Red Coat and putting an end to a years long mystery and torment. It means never letting A win their sick game no matter what.


	16. Chapter 16

_Quirks _

Alison used to say that a person's quirks made them more interesting, exposed their faults instead of always shining on their perfection, perfection that Rosewood and their uptight parents created in them. Every one of us had quirks that we probably wished we didn't have, but made us unique nonetheless.

_Quiet_

That's what people called us when they saw us standing by doing nothing when Alison went on one of her attacks against one of the students. Quiet was what we were, what we wished we weren't at times. Alison used to say that she did the dirty work while we were her watchdogs. Now, I don't know what was worse: Being quiet while she tormented people, or being her watchdogs who laughed at other people's expense.


	17. Chapter 17

_Rage_

Rage is a turning point, a stepping up from the less potent but still equally powerful emotion of anger. Rage is powerful, controlling and white-hot; capable of consuming you and leaving you powerless against its draw. "He's dead!" The mind-numbing grief that I had felt at seeing the dead body was nothing compared to the _rage _I felt when I heard Mona's deadly calm, psychotic voice call out to me from the confines of the woods and the deadly privacy it offered.

"Mona!" I jumped to my feet so fast that I couldn't even remember doing it as I chased after her through thick branches and twigs that were intent on cutting me, as if my heart hadn't been cut enough in the last few months. Just like A, just like all of their tricks, the second I was close to her, she vanished. Just like that. The rage I felt had quickly disappeared, leaving grief the size of a mountain in my heart as I collapsed to the ground, sobbing violently, trying to gain my breath back.

Rage, lately, all had to do with Mona and the attacks she leveled at me. It started with snide comment, taunting me about Toby leaving, about his double life. Then, like the night she led me to the body, it became so much more than that. It became personal.

_Reprieve_

So often, the definition of 'reprieve' means that a person gets a temporary respite from whatever hell they're going through. My reprieve came in the form of _finally _getting my answers, getting the answers about Toby that I had longed to hear for months but had thought was out of my reach. When he told me that he loved me and that his A team status had just been a cover, that he had been trying to protect me all along. It was a reprieve, a temporary one, but one that could, for the moment, cover over everything that had happened in the last few months.


	18. Chapter 18

_Sadness _

There are many "negative" emotions that you can feel. Some are so powerful and persistent that you all but get lost in their power and persuasion. Still, others make you feel a different sort of 'negativity'. Emotions like sadness can render you completely helpless, can make you feel the lowest of lows without any bright spot in the future. Sadness and I, until a point, were on extremely good terms with each other.

Waking up felt almost pointless most days, I knew that it would be more of the same, never-ending problems that had only amplified in intensity the last few months. Staying in bed felt safer, I felt like I was in control if I just stayed inside my little cocoon of obscurity. It certainly was better than going out and facing whatever new torture Mona had dreamed up for me. She probably slept with a notepad in her bed with her so she could jot down new ideas.

School, even without Mona there, was shaping out to be just as bad. Even my friends, the people who were more my sisters than my own sister, was looking at me like I was crazy, like I had finally turned a corner into crazy-land. They didn't understand at all. They couldn't possible understand the inner turmoil I was going through. I wanted to let them in, but how could they possibly understand the pain I was going through?

_Safe_

The word "safe" generally means that you are safe from harm, that nothing could possibly hurt you, you're in your own bubble of safety. The word "safe" in recent months has taken on a whole new meaning for me when it comes to safety and what it truly means. I used to think that safe was where wherever I could breathe, relax from the stress that my dumped on me on a daily basis. Now, the word to me, means whenever I'm with Toby and the love and comfort and support he offers me whenever we are together.

"I feel like I have a safe place to land." I wasn't lying when I told him that. His presence and his love were two things that I grew to crave. I went from hating him with a burning passion to falling head over heels in love with the boy, once I realized how wrong I was about him and what a kind and gentle and sensitive person he _really _was.

The safety I had craved since I had found him in my kitchen dressed all in A attire, came back to me in the first place that we had really formed a connection: In a motel room. Seeing that boy cry, seeing his baby blue eyes staring up at me, full of the shame and guilt he had carted around with him for months, I found myself folding, found myself _forgiving _him. And as he wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me so gently against him, and as our lips connected, I felt _safe._


	19. Chapter 19

_Toby_

A soul-mate is defined as two people who are perfectly suited for each other, who share similar beliefs and convictions. All of that, for me, is true, but when I look at Toby, my other half, my best friend and my _soul mate_, I see my other half, I see the boy who put himself through unimaginable pain just for the sole purpose of trying to protect me, to expose Red Coat and bring their operation down.

When I had agreed to follow him out of that stuffy diner and back to his hidden motel, I had followed him only hesitantly. My heart was still guarded, was still recovering from the trauma it had been put through the last few months, but when I saw him lift his head to me and I saw his aqua-beautiful eyes shine with tears, his expression revealing to me how completely disgusted he was with himself and how ashamed and _sorry _he was, all the protective walls I had built around myself came tumbling down.

"Hey," I whispered, crouching down beside him, cupping his warm face with my cold hand as I stared into the same eyes I had fallen in love with more than a year ago. He still avoided my gaze, his eyes still averted in the shame he had carried with him for months while he was carrying out whatever hideous task Mona set for him.

In those moments, crouched down beside him, the anger that I felt toward him, disappeared. It wasn't perfect, and I knew that. I knew that my trust in him would have to mend and that he would have to give me more answers, but what I did know and what I could comfort myself in, was that he had put his life on the line to save mine, to protect mine. He had given our relationship up to save me, knowing what it would mean for us. It was the most beautiful and gut-wrenching thing anyone has ever done for me.

Our relationship had grown from hatred to friendship, to love. It wasn't a fast thing, it took time. But when our love came full circle and I found myself pining whenever he was gone, I realized what I had, what a beautiful love we had built around each other and our closest friends and family.


	20. Chapter 20

_Untouchable _

Before A, before my life became a constant horror movie, I was just a regular girl (or as regular as one could be growing up in the house of Hastings). I used to think, like everyone else did, that I was untouchable; that nothing bad or life-altering could _possibly _happen to me. Through recent and not so recent events, I learned how wrong I was. I wasn't untouchable, not if Red Coat had anything to say about it. I was public enemy number 1, along with the girls and Toby for the prank we had pulled over Mona at the lodge. The fire, feeling the flames, even from a distance as I watched from the hidden protection of the forest, served to remind me how dangerous this game was, and how far Red Coat would be willing to go to achieve her goal. What that goal was, I didn't know, but I knew that it couldn't be anything good.

_Undercover_

"_Look at all that's happened since you turned me down on our drive up the mountain." _I had been in Radley only a few days when the last person on planet earth I wanted to see, showed up. Mona strutted in like she owned the filthy place, sitting down across from me with her prim and proper suit with a boxful of cookies in her lap. _"Look at all that's happened because you were stubborn_," she said, shaking her head as if it was a truly tragic thing that I had turned her down.

"_Why would I want to? Why now?"_

As far as I was concerned, the A team had taken everything I had ever held most dear. My sanity, my friends, and even Toby. She had killed him, taken his life because I had been careless and weak and had revealed his secret when I had been warned not to. He had paid the ultimate price, or so I had thought.

"_Because I have the answers, Spencer, answers to questions you haven't even thought of." _

"_Like what?"_

She leaned toward me, that same smirk on her face as before, her hands balanced over her cookie box. _"Toby. He's alive." _

I gaped at her, my freshly bruised heart not fully believing her, even though all the facets of my heart were begging me to, begging me to end the reign of horror I had inflicted. It was too easy. Either she was telling the truth and the body had been planted there, or she was lying and she was only trying to drive me further into the brink of insanity.

"_How do I know you're not lying?"_

"_If I was lying, I would have let you see the face. What would be the point if it wasn't really him?"_

I swallowed thickly, trying to wrap my head around what she was telling me. She was a liar, she lied in her sleep. Could I really trust her? Could I take her word at face value?

"_You don't have to ask me again, Mona. I'm in." _

The thought of joining the very thing that had my life a living hell for the past two years, was absolutely revolting to me, but I needed answers. There was no way I could live in the same doubt, the same uncertainty any longer. I needed to know for sure if Toby was really alive and I needed to find out who Red Coat was once and for all. She smiled in that self-satisfied way of hers and told me that she would "take care of it." I didn't understand what she meant until I was escorted back to my room and there, tucked discreetly in the pillow case, was the black hoodie with a note attached to it, telling me what my mission was.

Kidnapping Malcolm, taking him to the carnival. It was horrifying to even imagine kidnapping a child, let alone my best friend's boyfriend's child. But I needed to gain her trust, I needed to show her that I was in this one hundred percent.

That's what it meant to be undercover in this league.


	21. Chapter 21

_Valedictorian _

The highest honor of any graduating senior. Being valedictorian was a tradition in my family, just like any other prestigious event, actually. Melissa, when she was eighteen, she was chosen to be prom queen _and _valedictorian. She spent the entire week before the graduation ceremony, perfecting her speech: Rewriting it, editing out parts that weren't satisfactory to her, and running it a million times past Mom and Dad for their stamp of approval.

When she finally _did _make the speech, it was as cheesy and perfectionist as I expected it to be. I barely refrained from rolling my eyes as she spoke _oh so lovingly _about her fellow students and teachers who helped her get to where she was. I can guarantee she forgot most of their names within an hour of listing them all out.

"That was a good speech, Melissa," I said, forcing a smile on my face as we met her in the cafeteria after the ceremony had concluded. "How many pens did you have to go through for you to speak for all of five minutes?"

"Your sister practiced hard," our father said. "She aimed high and she ran into home run."

"If you practice hard enough, sis, you'll get there, too," Melissa said, accepting the dozen red roses from her boyfriend. "Just wait and see."

_Vanish_

The only good thing to come out of my stay at Radley, was that it gave me the opportunity to vanish; to leave behind the painful world I had come from and start something new. Even if it was temporary. No one could get in to hurt me. I was safe with my locked room and nurses pumping me full of drugs at scheduled times.


	22. Chapter 22

_Wren_

The summer after Alison disappeared and Melissa was in the process of finishing up her degree in the city, she called home, telling our parents that she was moving back home and that she wanted to introduce us to her fiance, Wren Kingston. She had emailed us obnoxious pictures of them together, but it would be the first time that we would actually meet him face-to-face.

I should have known that first meeting would be a reflection of things to come: I had spent that summer interning for the major, working endless amounts of summer jobs, and renovated the barn out back, all so that I could stay in it junior year. Melissa, in her usual subtle way, tells me that she and Wren needed it and I would have to suck it up and stay in my bedroom, even though our parents had promised me I could have it.

"I'm sorry about the loft," Wren had said that night. He had been sweet, flirty, but sweet. Our banter was nice, but I could see a familiar pattern developing and I didn't like it one bit. It had happened before with Ian Thomas, and I could feel the same thing start to happen with Wren, the attraction. Maybe, looking back on it, maybe I _wanted _what Melissa wanted so I could give her a taste of her own medicine, make her see how it felt to be pushed aside for a change.

"Thanks for being sorry."

I was determined not to let history repeat itself, no matter how many times he took advantage of the situation, massaging my aching shoulders or making suggestive comments to me about _bursa sac_. He probably thought that medical lingo was intriguing, and it was, but not to me when I was trying to keep the same rivalry I felt toward Melissa in check.

Of course, that all flew out the window that night in my bedroom, when his lips touched mine, his cold and rushed lips. Because of his (and mine) inability to control ourselves, it started off a chain reaction that never quit. Melissa kicked him out, I became her most hated enemy and our parents all but shunned me for my traitorous act.

Even later, even after repeated attempts at telling him I was more than happy and _in love _with Toby, he still tried to make his moves on me, still tried to let me know that he wasn't going anywhere. I regretted ever letting him in, regretted ever letting him know that it was okay to kiss me.

_Will _

The common saying, "when there's a will, there's a way," is true, for us anyway. We knew what we were up against in trying to bring A down. There were many, many times that A almost got to us, almost killed us, even. On the Halloween Ghost Train, when I was body slammed by A, or the countless times each of us individually was targeted. Our will to never give up, was the driving force that kept us going through the worst possible attacks each and every time.


	23. Chapter 23

_Xenia: Warrior Princess._

She was the superhero who battled monsters and saved people. Her TV show was on when Melissa and I were just kids. We would curl up in the living room, with the lights turned down low and watched the gory action. Then, we would recreate what we learned and have action battles in our rooms, complete with violent pillow fights and fake blood, that was really tiny ketchup packets.

Now, it's almost funny, when my friends call me 'Xenia.' I liked pretending to be her, but to be actually compared to her is another thing, makes me realize that my friends count on me to come up the daring plans, to be counted on to make the tough decisions.


	24. Chapter 24

_Yabber_

Yabber. That's what my parents used to call me because when I was little, I talked nonestop. Maybe some things haven't changed? Whenever I would get into one of my moods and start yabbering about whatever subject interested me the most, my parents would laugh and tell their friends that I was their little yabber girl. It was a cute name, until I was ten and they _still _insisted on using it.

_Yacht _

One of the greatest thrills of my life was being able to step aboard my dad's company yacht and be able to sleep in the cabins, the gentle swaying luring me off to sleep as I could hear seagulls off in the distance. It was fun, talking to the staff there, eating whatever treats they snuck off to me and listening to their stories


	25. Chapter 25

_Zoo_

"Mommy! Daddy! Look at the zebra's! Look at the panthers!" My greatest memory growing up was going to the zoo with my family and friends and being able to run around and enjoy the vast expanse of area before me. I loved looking at the animals, peering in through the enclosure gates and watching as they moved around lazily, looking at us like they didn't have a care in the world.

Once, I came with Alison and the girls. They all loved feeding the giraffes and getting a chance to spend some up close and personal time with the animals. Alison shocked me with her enthusiasm for the outing but I was also pleased that, for once, she wasn't calling the shots on what we did, even though she had come along grudgingly at first.

"You did good, Spence," she admitted to me afterword. "Those zookeeper boys were hot."

"Thanks, Ali," I whispered.

_Zodiac _

Zodiac signs have never been important to me. I don't really care what my sign is or what it represents. But Alison, she went through a phase where that was _all _she cared and talked about. We would be sitting in my room, laying down on my bed when she would suddenly ramble about some new prediction for her horoscope, especially the ones that connected to guys and what it would mean for her dating life.

"You should try it, Spence," she said one night as I sat on my red loveseat, carefully painting my nails. "It's actually fun and last night, mine came true."

"Shut up," I said, shaking my head with a smirk. "Those things are ridiculous."

"No, they're not. Mine said I would meet a cute boy who would ask me out to dinner."

"And did you?"

"Close," she said with a little whine. "He asked me out for pizza, and it was takeout."

* * *

**Last chapter! Feels good but bittersweet to wrap this up. I WILL be posting a lot of new stories in the next few days that I'm really excited about!**


End file.
